Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
![]()
You Might Also Like
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Oh the world we live in…
![]()
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.