THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
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In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
spot the difference
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I’m ready for Halloween this year
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.