Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.