Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.