Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
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Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.