Can you get syphilis from eating a hot dog you found in a parking lot? My wife doesn’t believe me.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
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If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Her: are you even listening? I said I’m breaking up with you!
Me: *biting my burger into a Batman symbol* na na na na na na na na BUR-GERR!
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
[Hubs to my 6yo]
Hubs: So, your mother says sarcasm doesn’t work with children
6yo: You dont say!
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
‘If u insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!’ ‘Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.’ ‘What baby?’ ‘Oh, so you’re not pregnant?’