@caliluvgirl77

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

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@_steamy_mac

Can you get syphilis from eating a hot dog you found in a parking lot? My wife doesn’t believe me.

@warmyellowlight

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

@Donnie_Fairburn

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

@looktothepickle

Her: are you even listening? I said I’m breaking up with you!

Me: *biting my burger into a Batman symbol* na na na na na na na na BUR-GERR!

@iamburtjarvis

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

@dmc1138

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

@dimplesticks

[Hubs to my 6yo]

Hubs: So, your mother says sarcasm doesn’t work with children

6yo: You dont say!

@WilliamAder

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

@BitchyJasmine

‘If u insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!’ ‘Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.’ ‘What baby?’ ‘Oh, so you’re not pregnant?’