Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
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Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it