Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

Me: Why aren’t you in bed?

5: I need smooth jazz.

Me: Uh what?

5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

🤣

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication