*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
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“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home