Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

sailors wish they could swear like me

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.