*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
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Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago