*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
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my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.