Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
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I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Sticker placement is key.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider