Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

Note to self: always read the final line

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad