Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude