Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

The devil.

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

pain

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.