Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
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ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
#Thanos #MondayMood
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what