Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable