Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
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[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist