Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
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[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.