“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
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health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Word!
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Webb. James Webb.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.