“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
San Francisco has too many rules
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?