Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

These aliens are taking forever.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

Me: I feel like I look cute today.

Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?