Come back after dark. Bring your friends
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4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My typo game is string.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Everything reminds me of my ex
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
awkward
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.