Come back with a warrant
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jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying