BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
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my nickname in college
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I don’t hate children, just yours.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.