@Talkinghands69

Come close…

Closer…

Look deeply into my eyes and tell me what you see…

Is it an eyelash? Seriously, help me out, it’s killing me.

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@rickkondell

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

@GlennyRodge

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

@karencheee

Every time I glue uncooked pasta together, a macaroni angel gets its wings.

@PoliticallyILL1

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

@paigeofmylife2

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

@NintenDom

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

@Bonkaz

Flies & moths are so dumb. You can fly anywhere in the world for free with no passport and you decide to fly into my room. You will die.

@simoncholland

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.