Come close…


Look deeply into my eyes and tell me what you see…

Is it an eyelash? Seriously, help me out, it’s killing me.

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The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.


“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“No, he’s a labrador.”


Every time I glue uncooked pasta together, a macaroni angel gets its wings.


I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”


My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.


My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.


Flies & moths are so dumb. You can fly anywhere in the world for free with no passport and you decide to fly into my room. You will die.


Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.