Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
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Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
My safe word is Worcestershire
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.