Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
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Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I’m aging like a fine banana
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.