Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
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Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.