Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
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doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
This is a true ally.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
As per my last nervous breakdown
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.