Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🤣dope

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

as a kid: i have to save up for this toy

as an adult: i have to save up for this rent

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

Saint West, the patron of selfies

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids