Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

12653.

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

This could be us… but you playing

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.