Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

Best seat on the street 😍

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.