Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.