Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

My plans: 2020:

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

If you’re testing me, we failed.

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.