“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
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wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one