Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.