-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
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I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
The devil.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
If only
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.