-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
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When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
oh you wanna fight?!
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.