COME ON KRUSE #fencing
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My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
i was dropped as an adult
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
What legos do when we’re not looking.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again