“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
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My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron