“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
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*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
From Facebook just now…
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Basically.
