Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

*frowns in Scottish*

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?

Me: What?

7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS

Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.

7yo: WHOA 🤯

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.