Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.