Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.