Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen