“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
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Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.