“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
You Might Also Like
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane