Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

Your secret is safeish with me

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do