Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
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Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?