‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
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accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.