Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.