Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.