“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
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So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
The “baby” on the left….
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills