Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”