“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
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Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don鈥檛 own a tank i only have this car
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you鈥檙e still young and fit to climb in and out!
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I鈥檓 going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 馃槀馃槣馃樅
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
The elites don鈥檛 want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks