“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
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Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.