“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
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I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
“Wait, let me explain..”
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
s
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Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!