“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
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It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
*puts my mental health in rice
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.