“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
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Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Legend 🤣🤣
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Thrilling chase underway
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident