Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

My teenage children choosing violence

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure