Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

Noah could only fish twice.

Why?

He only had two worms.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

#NeverForget

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system