Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
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*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.