Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
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Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole