Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
You Might Also Like
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue