Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Air conditioning – not a fan

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..