Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.