Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

weird email i got today

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

My dog ate my work from home.

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written