Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

A little too much information.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*