Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.