Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

*planning the destruction of the human race

Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices

Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters

Toasters: You guys are amateurs…

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.