Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep