Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Catercrombie & Fish
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
