Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I found your tweet-up…
🥲
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
This has made my week.
can’t talk my ride’s here
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
