Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Saturday
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
