Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

If you need a laugh.. 😅

Doug is just Canadian for dog